Results time has come an gone. The relief to hear that the tumour has not grown, and no cancer has shown up outside of the pancreas was huge. To be told that it had shrunk (retracted) “somewhat” and I was being sent back to the surgeon to see if it had retracted enough for surgery was also a huge relief.
I cant understand why I got so angry and cried. Wayne couldn’t understand either, and I can’t explain why the great news upset me so much. I don’t know if it was the relief after the stress of waiting to hear, or that I had in my imaginary world hoped it would have just all disappeared and I would wake up and find it had just all been a horrid dream. That, I still have to keep putting that one foot in front of the other and smile. Particularly when everyone tells me how great the news is and how happy I must be, I again feel like a fake, I feel like screaming……. I don’t want to do this anymore!
Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely pleased it is heading the right direction and that I do seem to luckily be in that small percentage that might be able to beat this horrid disease. But truthfully walking out of the Oncologist’s office I wasn’t ecstatic, I was angry! Angry that I still had to deal with this horrid disease. Angry that on the good days, I feel so healthy, yet I still have this deadly disease in me. Angry that I still talk about good and bad days. Or perhaps it was because it had not retracted enough to say outright …. yes you are having the surgery and everything is going to be ok.
So the waiting began again. The appointment to see the Surgeon was on Friday, only to be put off until today (Saturday) as he was stuck in the USA. The tension that was building again felt thick enough to cut it with a knife, I felt like anyone who spoke to me were in the line for their heads being bitten off.
To have doctors that you have utter faith in is such a wonderful feeling. I must admit from the moment we sat down in his office, I felt the relief flood through me and I was smiling for real, all the way through and out my eyes. His confidence and his calming manner were what I needed to reassure me, and set me back on my path of being positive this is all going to work.
In short, the surgery is back on. He will be removing this horrid tumor and life will go on, although there will be major life changes to be handled. Nothing that can’t be handled because MY LIFE WILL GO ON……
So we wait again, but without the stress. We wait to hear from the Hospital when it will happen….. watch this space…….