So this is the last of the 6 sessions of Chemo.  Thank goodness.  Chemo is horrid, the toll it has taken physically as well as mentally is huge.  But as I have wanted to be treated  as normal as possible, I hide the pain, the nausea, the vomiting, the diarrhea, the headaches, the shakes, the tingles and pain in the nerve endings, the strange taste everything has, the loss of hair, the constant tiredness and all the other side effects of the Chemo.  I try to carry on as normally as I can.  But am I so good at hiding it that people think I am fine, not sick at all.  Or are they so wrapped in their own selves that my illness just doesn’t seem to matter.  And yes, I am feeling a little sorry for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a group of amazing people who have held me when I have cried, brought me special treats to tempt me when I can’t hold any food down, who folded up the washing when I couldn’t, who allowed me to stay in bed when I couldn’t raise my head off the pillow, made me laugh when I really wanted to cry and lots more.  These people I can never find the right words to thank.

I try not to make judgments on how people respond to this horrid illness when I encounter them, but as the time is drawing near to finding out if this damn Chemo has worked or not, I am finding I am getting more and more sensitive to the people around me and how they act or react.  Positivity has been a big part of my coping and when I spend time with people who seem to live and dwell in the negative I want to yell at them.  I want to spend my time with positive fun people.

The MRI is booked for Monday week, and I get the results on the Tuesday (Waitangi Day), the day before my 35th wedding anniversary.  As I think about the various possible results that we will have to face, I try so hard to not dwell on the negatives and keep positive.  I heard a quote on TV a week or so ago which keeps popping into my head “Everything before Death is Life!” so no matter what the result will be, I still have so much life left to live.


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