Kia ora Aotearoa

Well after a 4 hour flight from Toronto to Houston, 5 hours in Houston airport and then a 14 and a half hour flight from Houston to Auckland we arrived safely, not particularly refreshed, but all considering not in too bad a condition.

No. 2 was waiting at the airport to pick us up, and I have to say how good it was to see him and to receive one of his famous all encompassing hugs. I did so miss him and Nearly No.1.

Our first day home, was busy, TOH headed off to get those locks trimmed and tamed. Must say he is looking so much better now, no longer doing his Albert Einstein impersonations. The afternoon I dutifully turned up for my CT Scan, nothing to note about that, I have had a fair few now so know the procedure well and this was over and done with quickly. But as usual its is the trigger for the brain to go into overtime until I see the oncologist this afternoon.

The jet lag, has been not too bad, afternoon naps and early nights are certainly helping. It is the early morning waking that is the problem and as is normal the darn brain gets going into full swing thinking things I really don’t want to think about.

My current train of thought is about prisoners on death row, awaiting execution. I wonder if they are offered counselling to help them to come to terms with the end of their lives. If counselling is not offered or if it is but not accepted, how do they, alone in their cells, come to accept that the end of their life is near. That although their own death is not a choice of theirs, but a result of their actions.

Cancer is a little like that. Its not my choice to be near the end of my life and I often wonder if this darn disease has been caused by an action I have taken. Perhaps I have drunk too much alcohol or I didn’t drink enough water, or the water I did drink wasn’t filtered or was filtered so I didn’t build any immunities. Perhaps I didn’t eat the correct diet, as the internet tells me constantly I should be eating a plant based diet to cure my cancer or then it tells me I should be eating meat to ensure I get the correct nutrients to ensure my body can fight this disease. Maybe I didn’t exercise enough, should I have been a gym bunny or as I grew up in the country was I around too many pesticides being sprayed over the farm land, or now that they don’t spray so many pesticides, it could be all the chemicals that are now introduced into foods so the pesticides aren’t required any more. Or is it just my plain bad luck?

This time, I have to admit to being scared, really really scared. Last time, I was keen to hear that this thing had shrunk, or not grown, only to be given the news it had grown and there is now a time frame to which I have to fit my life into. I cant imagine that this time it will be ay different, that the news could be better than before.

So again I am handing my life over to someone else to care for. Like the prisoners on death row who hand their lives to their lawyers, with the hope and faith that they will do whatever they can to ensure that the worst doesn’t happen. I have chosen my “lawyer” and have the faith that he too is fighting the hardest he can to ensure I get the best possible outcome. But some times life is bigger than all of us and the outcome we so dearly hope for is not what we are given.

I have always led my life with the belief that I hold my head high, a smile on my face, one foot in front of the other and look for the good. I woke this morning to a beautifully sunny day after 2 days of miserably cold wet weather. I will take that as a signal, that today will be a positive day.

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