MORTALITY

How many of you have seriously contemplated your mortality?  I have always joked that I am here for the long hall.  You are not getting rid of me until I am in my 90”s and I will be kicking and screaming all the way.

Since the beginning this journey I have intentionally not thought about my mortality, but at my last appointment with Ben (Oncologist) it came up.  With only 2 more sessions of Chemo, we discussed the various possible outcomes of my next CT Scan.  Those damn percentages that I hate thinking about seem to be changing to actual numbers.  We talked about the outcomes that we hope for and of course those that we are not wanting to contemplate but have to be aware of.

Although I do not want to contemplate an outcome that isn’t positive, I find myself dwelling on the “what if” more often than not.  I wonder if this will be the last time that I do something.  Driving to Tairua on Friday, I kept wondering if this would be the last time I might make this trip.

Believe me, I am not being morbid or depressed.  It is quite a weird feeling of nothing.  I wonder what does death feel like.  I have read a few articles by people who say they have died and come back to life or had near-death experiences.  But what do you believe?

I sit here in the sunshine at Tairua (one of my favourite places in the word) and watch my little “sweet man” playing happily on the floor at our feet, how can anyone be morbid or depressed.  There is every reason for positivity and I really do feel blessed

Over the last few months, I have often wondered why it is easier for some people to be positive, while others are so negative.  What is it that makes someone positive and not negative.  Laughter, smiles, and fun are far easier than negative thoughts.

Surrounding yourself with others who are positive, fun people helps, doing things you enjoy and make you feel good about yourself.  But I must admit that it is becoming a struggle to spend time with those that are not like that.  I want to shout at them to wake up and start living.  But I won’t, I will instead, keep being positive, “keep living”.