It has been 37 days since the operation. Not that I am counting, but I was not made to be patient and this waiting game is … “killing” me.
I went to a live concert on Friday night. I was so kindly given a ticket to see “The Killers” by my brother-in-law. I don’t need to tell you all the puns that were flying around about me going to see them, that connection between those damn percentages, the cancer and “The Killers”. But as I watched Brandon Flowers hop on an off various parts of the stage like a praying mantis I couldn’t help but sit back and soak up the life and energy in the stadium. It felt really good to be there, healthy enough to enjoy it.
Over the last 5 and a bit weeks since the operation, I have had to do a fair bit of soul searching as to where to next. I know that everything is still on hold, at least until the end of the next rounds of Chemotherapy. But as you read everywhere, going through a cancer like this does make you look very hard at not only where you are in life, but who you surround yourself with and how you want to spend what time is left to you, be it a short time or a long time. I still do want to find that porch with the matching rocking chairs where we can eventually sit and watch the world go by, but in the mean time I have just so much more I need to do and achieve.
We saw the Oncologist, who says they wont start chemo again until I am healed from the operation, so its being a 7 week wait. I see him again on the 1st and we start again from there. In the mean time, I am feeling like that damn fraud again, as I meet up with people they all tell me how great I am looking… Must be all the weight I have lost, or that my hair is growing back (for now).
The operation has slowed me down more than I thought it would, and unfortunately the little bit of Pancreas that was left does not seem to be playing ball and doing what its mean to be doing, so I am off to see a diabetes specialist and a dietician as well. But as I say, hey, that is really no big deal when you contemplate the other possibilities.
I came across a “positivity” quote the other morning (yup I tend to spend a huge amount of time on the internet filling in time) which describes the last 7 months so well..
“Never forget how far you’ve come. Everything you have gotten through. All the times you have pushed on even when you felt you couldn’t. All the mornings you got out of bed no matter how hard it was. All the times you wanted to give up but you got through another day. Never forget how much strength you have learned and developed”
So bring on 1st May, I need to get on with my life.