It is with a heavy heart that we lost our soon to be the littlest grandbaby.  Called away too soon.

While I was in the hospital with pneumonia, the news came through that my gorgeous girl had received the news no expectant parent or grandparent ever want to hear, “I am sorry there is no heartbeat”.   The horror of that statement uttered at any time is tragic.  But to hear it when we are on the other side of the world, and I am stuck in the hospital, is devasting.  The feelings of utter uselessness and anger are feelings I wish never to feel again and I pray that they felt all the virtual hugs that were sent to them from all around the world that has been surrounding them this last week.

They (whoever “They” are) say that at times it doesn’t rain, it pours, well I tend to believe my little family is in the midst of a blizzard.  I remind myself daily that blizzards do blow out and soon we will be able to walk in the sunshine again.  We must hold on to our positivity as it is our lifeline.

As for my health, after the period spent in hospital on IV antibiotics, I have steadily improved at home, with constant monitoring and the right medication the headaches have gone, the cough though, well I am told that could be weeks.  Not really sure if it was the antibiotics or the fact I was allowed home which was the main reason for the improvement.  The Chemo team decided to not treat me again last week, so close to 2 weeks without chemo drugs could also be a part of the improvement.  Who knows.  I don’t think the doctors really know either.

So feeling good again, I went back for my Toxic Cocktail again yesterday.  They decided to lower the dosage, even though they couldn’t be sure it was the drug that caused the problems.  I cant say I am happy about it, but if you have faith in handing your treatment (life) over to them in the first place I have to trust they know what they are doing.

I haven’t made it out of bed today, not really because I am ill, although the headache is back. I still have the headache medication from the hospital, which I have started taking again, so it’s not too painful.  But all I really want to do is sleep, so that’s what I am doing.  Let’s see what tomorrow brings.


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