When one door closes…

Or so they say.. “When one door closes another opens”.  After 5 and half years at Tennis, I thought the end would not be like this.  The amount of soul searching required after both my surgeon and my oncologist told me that they felt I should give up work and concentrate on me, was not easy.  But there really is only one battle to fight and that is to get myself back to optimum health, any energy spent fighting other battles would probably mean neither battle would get the best of my attention.  So I gave up the easiest battle to concentrate on me.  I thought that having made the decision, that letting go would be easy, but it’s not.  I said a final farewell to those I had worked closely with a week ago today, and although I have not been in the office for some months now, that final goodbye was not easy.  The laughter and fun we have had over years far outweigh the last 12 months of hell and frustration, both with work and health.

After the dinner, I left with tears for what has been a great part of my life and will miss dearly some of those that I have worked with.

I find the mornings, in particular, hard to get motivated.  What have I got to get up for?  A particularly hard question to answer when the weather also seems intent on making the bed and bedroom so sunny and warm and inviting and everywhere else damn cold.  Why bother to get up and do what?

I have a list nearly an arms length long of things I want to get done, or that Wayne thinks I should get done.  I do look at it each day to see if I can tick off another job, but that is where it stops.  How do people cope when they retire how do they get themselves moving each day.

So the last but one of chemo was on Wednesday, a good reason to spend a couple of days in bed and the bathroom and bed and the bathroom etc, and I am now nearly half way through this week and I would love to say that the sick feelings are improving, but I cant, I just never know each day what I will be hit with or even when.  I might be fine in the morning and feel ghastly in the evening or afternoon or the other way around.  The whole body tiredness is hard to deal with, particularly when at night there is no sleep.  You lay there at night and the brain goes into overload.  Every little detail good or bad that I have read comes flooding in.

Will this be the last of it, will I be in remission, will it come back, when will it come back, how will I know if it comes back, if it comes back can they treat it again with chemo, if it comes back how long will I have and around and around and around it goes.

Well, at least this 3 months of Chemo is coming to an end, and then we start the serious business of getting my diabetes under control.  I thought I would never get used to the twice-daily injections, but the actual administrating of the injection is nothing like I dreaded.  The problem is the lifestyle, or remembering to test at the correct times, to eat at regular times and if out….. where the hell do I go to actually do the injection…. the public toilets!  Hell no!

It’s a whole new lifestyle.  Now let’s see whats through door No.2