This is the third time I have sat to start writing this blog and the urge to stop and find something else to do instead of facing this is strong. I find I am staring out the window and I would love to say thinking about or planning things, but its actually more like a mind blank. No thoughts, just staring at the trees outside.
Sometimes it’s this blankness that keeps you going. It is like your mind just switches off. It feels like my mind, like a computer, goes into Safe Mode. The struggle to bring it back to the now is more about what I don’t want to think about. It’s easier just to stare away at nothing. Think about nothing.
Living with the fear of this horrid disease coming back is a constant fear. When you hear of old friends who are given the worse news of all, (nothing they can do for them) it makes everything rear up and haunt you again.
To deal with this, while dealing with a small hiccup of my own. I realise my problems at the moment are not as bad as others.
Wayne is off to visit our friend tomorrow and as much as I dearly want to go and see him too, I just cant face it at the moment. My positivity has taken a huge hit and I feel I need to be selfish in how or what “I” do for the moment.
A Doctor told me over the weekend that she believes that the physical benefits of a positive attitude when dealing with Cancer is a large part of survival. This is what I have held tight to over the last 18 months and something I am working hard on retaining.
As I am sure I have said in the past, I have always been in the belief that problems in my life are faced with shoulders back, head held high, a smile on my face and keep moving forward with one foot at a time. I do admit that I close in on myself at these times, so to my nearest and dearest, I apologise in advance, I will be back.