Who am I now

“I should” have written this last week.  “I should” have let everyone know my results.  “I should” be screaming the results from the top of the closest mountain.  “I should” be dancing a jig and smiling from ear to ear.  But I’m not.

BUT and it is a BUT that gets bigger and more obvious all the way through this journey.  BUT there is no right or wrong way to respond or react.  And before telling the world I needed time to process where I am at and who I am now.  A cancer survivor.

Last week I had my tests and saw the Oncologist to get the best news possible.  There is no sign of cancer………

I hadn’t realised how weighed down I had been feeling, but with those words and the smile on his face telling me it was true and not a joke, I suddenly felt a lightness.  Only to be later hit by total confusion as to why I feel so angry, guilty and at a loss.  Feelings that don’t seem to want to go away,  when I should be elated.

I tell myself that there is no right or wrong way to feel and that it is all just takes time to process, but as a total control freak, I hate the feeling of being out of control and now compounded by this feeling of guilt for surviving.

So, for now, I am cancer free.  The chance of it coming back is still high, as this is a nasty nasty disease.  The great news is tainted with the idea that if it comes back then the chances of beating it is negligible.  BUT, I shouldn’t have beaten it this time and I have!  I will now and forever travel with this disease as part of me, as the fear of it coming back will be always in the back of my mind and will play a part in any decision I will make going forward.

So celebrate with me, but please also bear with me as I wallow in a guilty, angry and confused state for a wee while.  While I grieve again for old friends who have not survived this horror, for new friends who are still going through it and as I work out how to be a survivor.