I am not a Miracle

I am not a Miracle

You’re a Miracle, You’re Amazing. How many times have I heard this.

No, I am not and please stop telling me this, because somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind I start believing that perhaps, just perhaps I might beat this thing.

I am not going to be cured, they won’t find the cure for my cancer, well not in my lifetime.  I know that it will win in the end and the best I can do is to keep on fighting for as long as my body can tolerate the poisons that are required to hold it at bay.

I wake each day and tell myself “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be, it’s the way it is!  The way I cope with it is what makes a difference”.  I am awake, I am able to continue doing what I do, so put a smile on my face and make a difference.

One of my driving forces usually calls early and I get to blow kisses to the little people on the other side of the world via a video link.  I can’t touch them, I can’t hug them, I can’t smell them, but I can tell them how much I do love them. 

I metaphorically kick myself up the butt and start my day.  The Sun is shining and it’s warm for Autumn, what have I to complain about.  Yes, I have symptoms to cope with from the poisons from the past and those to come in the future.  Pains, aches, memory fuzz, baldness, and things that I never knew of or dreamed of living with.  Symptoms that will be accompanying me for the remainder of the time I have left.  There is no point complaining as it is what it is and the mere fact that the poisons are still being offered, I am grateful for.

The idea is to find the silver lining in them all.  At times it is a struggle, but they are there. The baldness means no money spent at the beauty therapist, each chemo session brings out the steroids that seem to push away the arthritic pain, which means lots more knitting completed.

What should you say to someone like me.  I don’t feel like, and I am not a miracle.  Perhaps the fact my PC was caught early, that there are drugs to help keep it at bay, that I have a great team, working with me; oncologist, doctors, nurses, hospice staff, psychologist, family and friends.  They are all the miracles.

Next time you’re with a friend or loved one going through this or similar, think about what you say to them.  Try telling them how strong they are, tell them they inspire you, that they are doing really well, this is really tough, but you’re handling it like a champion.

You see I am not a miracle; I am not amazing.  I just cope with it, do what I can to make a difference..

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