Final Chemo

(3/7/18) Tomorrow is my final IV chemo day. I should be happy this holiday at the toxic resort is coming to an end but the reality it just brings another fear with it. The fear of survival.

A very kind person sent me a message today pointing out that only 4 of 50 pancreatic cancer sufferers survive. They said they were very proud of me. I really wanted to yell at them, but know they meant well but damn, here I am patting myself on the back at getting through this stage of the journey only to be reminded that it’s not over by a long way.

(10/7/18) Ok, NO feeling sorry for myself. My last chemo drugs are due tonight and  I go for a scan next Monday to see if I have won the first battle.  The last week has not been fun, the build-up of the chemo drugs in this last week has wreaked havoc and the act of seeming normal has been even more difficult.

It feels that the last few weeks have been the hardest and perhaps with the most concentration on survival required for a long time.  I wonder if it is that I have no direction now, where before I had to think about work and family visits and put that and them all before me, that I kept going, had to keep going.  It gave me something else to focus on whereas now I seem lost and drifting.

I need to fill my days to give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  Mind you there is someone in the family who is more than happy for me to stay in bed…. Yoda-Cat seems to have taken up residence here too.