I went and had my hair cut yesterday, not that there was a lot to cut. But in an effort to try to make it look thicker, I thought I would get it cut short.
If I had lost it all, then it would be easy to wear wigs or scarves. The family keeps telling me I don’t need to wear them, that my hair is not that bad, but that’s not what the mirror tells me.
I felt like I was a lucky one when I was told (before Chemo started) that I wouldn’t lose all my hair, that it would only thin a bit. But in hindsight, I think it may have been better to lose it all and to be able to get on with life bald for a short time. I never thought I was particularly vain in regard my hair, but I find now I might be.
I have to admit to walking out of the hairdressers yesterday in tears, not because she did a bad job, but the reality of how thin it was, how much of my scalp I can see and how short we had to go to try to make it look semi-good. How much of it came out as she brushed it. And the fear of going home to face the reaction of everyone there.
I am finding today I am dwelling on it quite a lot. I am not sure if it is because I am upset by it still, or that it is easier to dwell on my hair than think about tomorrow or Tuesday. I feel nauseous today, but not chemically induced, I think it is more nerves. If someone asks me a question, I bite their heads off for no reason. Well actually there is a reason, I desperately want tomorrow to come and be done with, then Tuesday to happen straight away. This waiting game is torture.
A friend said to me yesterday to “do what makes me feel hugged”. It is an interesting thought and has set me off making a list of things that make me feel hugged.
What is it that makes you feel hugged?