I went and had my hair cut yesterday, not that there was a lot to cut.  But in an effort to try to make it look thicker, I thought I would get it cut short.

If I had lost it all, then it would be easy to wear wigs or scarves.  The family keeps telling me I don’t need to wear them, that my hair is not that bad, but that’s not what the mirror tells me.

I felt like I was a lucky one when I was told (before Chemo started) that I wouldn’t lose all my hair, that it would only thin a bit.   But in hindsight, I think it may have been better to lose it all and to be able to get on with life bald for a short time.  I never thought I was particularly vain in regard my hair, but I find now I might be.

I have to admit to walking out of the hairdressers yesterday in tears, not because she did a bad job, but the reality of how thin it was, how much of my scalp I can see and how short we had to go to try to make it look semi-good.  How much of it came out as she brushed it.  And the fear of going home to face the reaction of everyone there.

I am finding today I am dwelling on it quite a lot.  I am not sure if it is because I am upset by it still, or that it is easier to dwell on my hair than think about tomorrow or Tuesday.  I feel nauseous today, but not chemically induced, I think it is more nerves.  If someone asks me a question, I bite their heads off for no reason.  Well actually there is a reason, I desperately want tomorrow to come and be done with, then Tuesday to happen straight away.  This waiting game is torture.

A friend said to me yesterday to “do what makes me feel hugged”.  It is an interesting thought and has set me off making a list of things that make me feel hugged.

What is it that makes you feel hugged?

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