THE TWO STEP

Today is day 8 of being home.  I am loving the food, just wish it would love me back.  It seems that I take two steps forward and one step back, or have two days good and one bad. Either physically or mentally or both.

On a good day I think I am being positive and want to do things.  The bad days, apart from the surgery pain, there is the stomach getting used to eating and also the mental struggle.  Some days I feel as if I have used up all my positivity.  I just want to curl into a ball and hide from the world.  But ha I cant curl up to a ball yet, the surgery site is still too painful.  I am avoiding phone calls or talking to people.  Not sure why.  I love it when people come to visit, but I am struggling when they call or message.  So if you have tried getting hold of me, I do apologise, I am just not there at the moment.

The call came through during the week with the pathology results.  To be told that although the operation was a great success, I am still not out of the woods.  Even though I suspected I would need to go back to chemotherapy, it still hit me like a ton of bricks.  Of the 6 lymph nodes removed 2 of them came back positive for cancer.  Hey, I know that only 2 of the 6 lymph nodes being positive is a good result, but I suppose I was hanging on to the thought that they would all be clear, that this horrid disease had been contained within the pancreas.

So on Tuesday morning, I am back to see the Oncologist to get the next stage organised, then back to the surgeon for a check up on Wednesday and to be officially told the results from the surgery.  I say officially, as although I was trying to take it all in on the phone, I find I don’t, so I need someone (Wayne) there to listen and take it in for me. To ask the questions that I have screaming in my head but too scared to ask them myself.

On a celebratory note, our gorgeous little man turned 1 on the 31st March.  We are so happy for him, but it tears my heart that he is so far away.  Happy Birthday Elijah.